Rui Da Costa

Full Stop.

So this week was a little nuts. I went to my first film festival and I had my own short documentary in it. The festival…was in Seattle which meant flying out there and it’s been a while since I did that so I was nervous before I even got to the airport.

It wasn’t just the flying; that was part of it. With the general state of the world, air travel, and the fact that I was heading to screen my first ever short film, my stomach already had some knots.

The first leg to Chicago was ok. By the time I got on the Seattle flight I was ready for smooth sailing and instead got turbulence and a hail storm on approach. When I finally landed, I wasn’t thinking about the festival or the film. I was just thinking, “I’m exhausted but the first part is done.”

That became kind of a theme for the weekend.
I’ve talked about imposter syndrome before but I don’t think I was fully prepared for what it would feel like to walk into a film festival with my own work. Here I am, surrounded by filmmakers who have done this, who know how this works, who belong here. I kept waiting for someone to figure out that I somehow didn’t belong.

Opening night helped a little. They talked about the history of the festival, mentioned that they’d culled 450 submissions down to 60 films. My little short was one of them and that was a nice little boost. Another bit of anxiety lifted, another part done.

Then they played a trailer featuring clips from this year’s selections and I saw my footage in there. Out of 60 films there was my audio, my images; part of something more than just itself. I didn’t think that would do anything, but it definitely gave me another boost.

But I was still nervous about the screening. Still nervous about the Q&A. What would people think of it? How badly would I get picked apart? Am I even qualified to answer questions about a film I made mostly by figuring it out as I went?

In the first 2 days, I met a bunch of different film makers and the non-profit staff. The director of the festival, Sam, was from Rochester and we’d crossed paths a few times earlier. Talking about the area, where he grew up and the similarities to Seattle. Another bit of anxiety gone. By the time I sat down for the Q&A I felt like I was at least talking to someone I knew a little. That mattered more than I expected it to.

The screening went well, but during the Q&A I referred to myself as an amateur. First film, still learning, you know how it is. A woman in the audience stopped me and said I should just call myself a filmmaker. Full stop. This wasn’t amateur. I’ve been thinking about that ever since. She’s right. I think part of me just needed a stranger to say it out loud before I could actually believe it.

I’m leaving Seattle, grateful and thankful for the festival, my hosts (thank you Erin and Dennys!)and feeling something I didn’t expect: this is something I can actually do. Not someday, not once I get better or more experienced or more confident. Now. I’m doing it now.

First festival down. On to the next one.

The Real Work Begins

I know, I know. Another blog post instead of a video this week. I’m definitely in an off streak for that, but I’m ok with it. I’m trying to be as honest as I can with this blog and the videos that I shoot. I also know that I will likely never be 100% honest here; not out of malice or ill will, but out of my own sense of anxiety, and fear of disappointing people.

I had my first session with a new therapist this week and this was one of the things we talked about as part of the “intake” process. He was going over his policies and what his overarching philosophy is for therapy and one of the things he brought up was about honesty; that even though there are people we love, care about, and tell “everything” to, there are plenty of cases where we aren’t fully honest.

I know that I tell all of you lots of different things about my life, probably more than you’d expect, but I don’t tell you everything. I tell you enough to maintain whatever image of me you might have. I think the reason I’m saying all this is to frame that image and temper your expectations of what I talk about here. I’m still going to talk about things, there just might be gaps that are just too personal to put out there.

This week…stuff happened. Some good, some less so. I feel like the more important thing was that I’m feeling a little more hopeful about my life and happy to be in therapy sorting things out. I know there is a lot of work for me to do, but I’ve started that process and that’s what matters.

P.S. In the months to come, I plan on taking some of the learnings I get from therapy and talking about them. I think that will help me build some kind of accountability with the work I should be doing on myself.

Adding It All Up

It’s funny. I’m sitting here, Sunday morning (really almost afternoon), eating some high-protein cereal with Greek yogurt wondering why I’m not shooting a video. There is so much to unpack just in that one sentence, but I’ll give it a shot.

A couple of days ago I was mapping out what my video was going to be this week. Something about how the week started off a little rough and then I got some good news and things kind of bounced back. How I kind of rode on that high for a while and it felt good. I got a whole bunch done and I knew I was going to have a pretty good Saturday and that would be it. That would be my video. But my brain has different ideas of what I want to do and this is what you get. A blog instead of a video because I can’t seem to get over a mental block for a video, but writing is easier to do.

Monday was a normal day. I fell into work and stayed there all day, solving problems, fixing bugs, writing code; the usual. I knew that we were going to have a lot of people for Indoorables and I was hoping to go see a screening of the Oscar Live Action shorts at The Little so I skipped indoor for that. With the exception of one of the entries, I thought they were all really well done. The last short of the screening was particularly hilarious so it ended on a good note.

Even though I hadn’t gone to Indoorables, I still had a game for my draft league…at 10pm. Those late games are always rough but there was at least one good thing: I finally got a win for the season. We’re in the 6th week of this league, the first four weeks my team lost (some by just 1 point), and the last week my team got a tie, which really shouldn’t have happened but it did. And so, Monday night felt good, even if it was super late, I got my first win of the season and went home feeling pretty good about myself.

Tuesday morning comes and I am NOT feeling good. I’m getting chills and then sweating and my head is killing me; I’m not quite sure what’s happening but I try to muscle my way through work. By the time I’m supposed to have Teo, I feel like utter garbage. When I’m feeling like that I generally don’t have Teo come over so he doesn’t get sick and so when I do see him I can give him 100% of my attention and energy. Saying that makes me feel like a crappy dad but I’d rather not make him sick and also make it harder for me to take care of him and myself.

So yeah, I didn’t end up having Teo on Tuesday but I did talk to my sister, Tina, for a bit on the phone just about…all the different things going on right now. We had a good talk and I went to bed early, hoping that Wednesday would come with some better feelings and man did it deliver. I woke up feeling better. Not great, but better. I opened up my email and there was a message from the Genesee Valley Council on the Arts. My grant application for the ultimate documentary I’m working on (Spirit vs Score) was approved! It’s not a ton of money, but it definitely was a very validating moment; a committee saw the value in what I’m doing and wanted to help.

This news fueled me for the rest of the week. Work that day went quick. I started organizing bits of my life into tasks that I could manage to hopefully help with my ADHD. There was a renewed interest to eat a bit healthier and actually plan that out a bit more (remember when I mentioned Greek yogurt and cereal). I felt like I was floating on a cloud and that I was not only getting a lot done, but I was feeling a whole lot better. Not just from feeling sick the day before, but really from a life-outlook perspective. I stayed positive through the rest of the week. Went for walks when the weather was ok. I was shooting a bunch of video when I was out. I did some more planning for the documentary; all from this momentum.

Friday night came and even though I wasn’t really interested in going out, I still enjoyed myself staying in. I did a couple of things around the house, watched some tv, and then watched the documentary Come See Me In the Good Light. This movie wrecked me. Not necessarily in a bad way; it was super emotional and I gave myself permission to feel all of those feelings while watching it. It gave me a bit more perspective for what my mom is going through right now and also made me think about a lot of things that I know I need to work on myself.

Saturday, I slept in a bit, eventually got up and went out for a walk. I took a couple of my cameras out in case I got any ideas for shooting and just went out for about an hour and a half. I knew I wanted to get some movement in and it was a decent day outside so I thought I could get some b-roll that I’d use for the video that I was OBVIOUSLY going to put out today. Got back to the house, relaxed for a little bit and then headed out to watch a documentary about the Rochester subway. I thoroughly enjoyed this and the more I watch documentaries the more ideas I get for my own; things I want to do or specific technical stuff I want to take note of.

I finished up my Saturday with a “Books n’ Things” club with some of my friends. Basically, we treated it like a book club but not necessarily talking about any one specific book, more just what we’re reading/watching/listening to and how all of those things intertwine. My buddy also made pizza from scratch so that was a nice extra little thing. I went home, watched SNL and then passed out.

And now, here we are; at the end of this long post that probably should have been a video. When I first sat down thinking that I hadn’t really done much this week, I was pleasantly surprised. I realized that sometimes my brain likes to trick me. That my usual go-to is self-deprecation. Telling myself that I didn’t do anything or that I didn’t do anything of consequence. And now as I’m looking back at the week I know that I did and I need to start thinking better of myself.