I’m documenting my transition period, week by week. Sometimes video, sometimes writing, but every Wednesday there’s something new.
This week: Our last day on the 3rd floor after close to 20 years with some of my co-workers. Halloween in the rain. Skipped a tournament, made cookies, had good conversations, started indoor ultimate, and built legos with Teo.
Some weeks are just about staying the course.
I’ve been staring at job listings all week. Scrolling through pages of “Senior Developer” and “Software Engineer” positions, trying to figure out where I fit. The problem is I don’t really feel like I fit anywhere. I look at the requirements and I can check most of the boxes, but there’s this voice in my head saying I’m just faking it. Like, I’ve been stagnant for so long that I didn’t really progress and now I don’t actually know what I’m doing.
This isn’t limited to just the job search either. The documentary stuff I’m trying to put together has that same feeling creeping in. I know that it’s something very new to me but I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m either figuring it out as I go and hoping it works, or I’m so unfocused that I just can’t seem to follow through with any one particular idea (I literally have 3 floating around right now).
One thing that has been constant is ultimate. And this past weekend was one of my favorite tournaments: Danse Macabre. Before you start, no, this isn’t about medieval art; it’s a Halloween-themed frisbee tournament that RIT hosts every October. A collection of college, alum, and other teams get together, wear costumes, and play. It’s usually a big highlight and this year was no exception. I got to throw with friends, eat some hotdogs (our team was grilling), and just let off some steam. Ultimate is still just easy; I don’t have to think about all the things crumbling down when I’m playing.
When I’m not playing, I’m also on the board for my local ultimate organization (GRADA). I had to tell one of the sub-committees that I’m on that I need to step away. I’ve been part of this group for years, and even though I know stepping back is the right move, it feels like I’m letting them down. Like I’m giving up or not being there when they need me, but I know that I need to focus on other parts of my life.
I’m trying to make an effort to see my kids more than I currently do. On Monday I made my way out to Buffalo to see Luka. I dropped off some stuff, we grabbed some food, and we talked about school and how they’re dealing with their own focus issues. It’s weird how much of myself I see in them. I ended up talking about some of the stuff I’m going through too and it was really nice to just be present with them for a bit.
I know I just said I want to see my kids more often, but sometimes shit happens. Like yesterday, I was supposed to see Teo, but I was sick and had to cancel. I was really looking forward to working on some lego projects with him, and instead I was stuck feeling like garbage. Even though canceling was the right call for his health, it still felt like I was letting him down.
That feeling of letting people down, of not being enough, thinking I’m a fraud…that seems to be eating away at me. I have to tell myself that everyone feels this way sometimes. That figuring things out is part of the process, but it’s hard to believe that when you feel like you’re drowning.
Still, I showed up this week. I stepped back to make more time for myself. I haven’t had a drink in almost a month. Even when it was hard. Even when I really wanted to. Next week is another chance to do better; to be better. That’s all I’ve got right now, and hopefully that’s enough.
I’m going to be documenting my current transition period, week by week. Sometimes I’ll share these updates through video, sometimes through writing, but every Wednesday, I’ll have something new.
This is week one of figuring it all out: a job interview, hosting my first screening for Roc Docs, making a POV documentary about ADHD, playing ultimate with my people, and clearing out half my basement.
I’m 42 years old, standing in my basement surrounded by boxes and bags of trash, and thinking to myself…where the hell am I going from here.
The company I helped start is closing up after 9 years. I’m still managing a separation/divorce. I have one kid in college, another I don’t see enough. I don’t have a love life. I’m trying to land a web development job while also pushing more into documentary film work. And somewhere in all of this… I decided I wanted to clear out my basement.
Yeah, I know how that sounds. My life is falling apart so naturally I’m dealing with it by throwing away old cables and broken furniture. But…it actually helps. There’s something gratifying about sorting through this stuff when everything else is such a mess.
Most of what’s down here is trash. Just years of accumulated crap that I held onto for no real reason. But then there are these little landmines of memory mixed in. Random objects that suddenly hit me with feelings I wasn’t ready for; some good, some bad. Most of them making me stop and actually deal with something before I can decide whether it goes in the keep pile or the trash.
It’s a metaphor, obviously. I’m clearing out my basement and also clearing out my head. Trying to figure out what actually matters and what’s just been taking up space. After everything that’s been happening, I’m having to ask some uncomfortable questions. Who am I now? What actually matters to me? Have I been just going with the flow without really thinking about where that would take me?
I don’t have answers yet. That’s partly why I’m starting this. I need to think through what I’m going through. Write it down and make sense of it as it happens rather than waiting. I’m trying to get things figured out and that might take a while.
The basement clearing is just the first step. Once it’s empty, I’m tearing down some walls and building new ones. I’m going to finish half of it as a studio; a space specifically for my creative work. That won’t happen until spring probably, but the intention is there. I’m not just cleaning up the mess but I’m hoping to build something new.
Right now though, I’m in the in-between. The hard part. Everything’s uncertain, uncomfortable, and pretty depressing, but I’m doing something about it. Even if that something is as simple as filling trash bags.
I don’t know where this goes, but for the first time in a while, I’m okay not knowing. I’m just going to start here and see what happens.