Rui Da Costa

Another Gap

Sorry for the hiatus. The first Sunday was me being exhausted; the second one was me completely forgetting. Life has been both hectic and normal and sometimes things get away from me.

So these last 2 weeks have been a lot of that: more of the same with some sprinkled bits here and there. I went to a gala event for the organization  that gave me a grant (GVCA) last week. I felt…kind of out of place; not knowing anyone and going by myself. I thought maybe going by myself would get me to maybe open up to any of the people there but it didn’t really seem like that kind of event and ultimately I felt a bit awkward. Kind of another version of imposter syndrome, thinking I just didn’t belong there.

I also went to this Startup Wednesday event which reminded me of a thing I did years ago called StartupBus. The premise of this was that you work on a new startup idea with a group of people, each Wednesday of the month of June. The team I’m part of is building an app that is kind of like…Pokemon Go meets art and media. It’s pretty fun and interesting to me but I also feel like I’m just stretching myself thin with that, the ultimate documentary, getting back into Ultivids, and just everything else I’ve got going on.

I’m pretty exhausted and really this has been the theme for me these last couple of weeks: being tired but also wanting to do all of the things and not disappoint people. I am feeling like things are trending in the positive, so there’s that at least. For now, I’ll leave things here and try to close out the rest of my Sunday.

k thx, byeeeee

Being Better

I’m exhausted. I’m going to say that upfront because it’s true and because it’s kind of the point.

This week I did two interviews and went to two different tryouts to get b-roll for the ultimate documentary. That’s a lot of production for one week, especially when you’re already running low. But I did it, and I’m glad I did.

I went into this week with a very familiar feeling of anxiety: that what I’m making isn’t good enough. That I don’t really know what I’m doing, that people are going to see through it eventually. This is something I’ve dealt with, probably all my life. But all of the things I’m doing seem to be heading in the right direction.

At both tryouts, people came up and asked what I was working on. Genuinely curious, genuinely excited. That doesn’t sound like a big deal but when you’ve got impostor syndrome like I do, it kind of is.

After one of my interviews, I admitted I was anxious about whether this was going to be good. If this documentary is going to mean something or tell the story I want to tell. The person I was talking to told me they thought I was professional, that I asked good questions, that I kept things moving. That’s a nice confidence boost.

One of the interviews also gave me a great moment: talking about how, as a coach, they are trying to make their players better, but finding out that for some of those same players they’re actually making them better people. That they’re part of that. I keep getting these great nuggets during these interviews and I really hope I can do it justice.

In other news, I hit a milestone this week. I’ve lost 11 pounds from the heaviest I’ve been, and I’m still going. I’m not just working on my diet and being physically healthy, I’m also working on my mental health. Setting better boundaries, trying to actually take care of myself. It’s a slow process but I’m working on being the best me I can be.

Thanks for reading. Happy Mother’s Day and I’ll be back next week.

Distraction or Direction?

I know I’ve been pretty silent for the last couple of weeks. Honestly, I’ve been going through some shit. Nothing I’m ready to unpack in detail right now, but enough that I’ve been trying to keep myself busy so I don’t have to sit with it too long. Weight, mental health, emotions: all of it has been hitting just a little more than usual. When that happens I usually end up either wallowing or distracting myself. This time it’s been distractions, but it’s felt very…productive.

In the last two weeks I shot four interviews for my documentary, got footage at a local women’s tournament, and went to a local film festival and exchanged info with a bunch of the filmmakers. I’ve also been working on some rebranding and a roadmap for RocDocs, plus a partnership agreement with another local organization.

All of this has made me really think about what I’m doing. For this documentary, for these different communities that I’m part of, and for myself. In all of this busyness and distraction I make for myself, I keep spending more and more time trying to make these things better, not just for me but for everyone else associated. I’m starting to think that might be telling me something. Not necessarily that I’ve figured things out, but maybe this is the direction I’m supposed to be heading. Maybe this is the direction I WANT to be heading.

So yeah, I’m finding myself actually hopeful. Hopeful that I can actually pull off this documentary, that I can help build up the communities that I care so much about, for various other things in my life, and hopeful that I can actually find happiness.