It’s Not Laziness

Feb 01, 2026
Blog, Education, Life
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So I watched a video recently talking about ADHD guilt. How people with ADHD WANT to do something but their brain stops or severely hinders them from actually doing it. It’s not laziness, it’s neurological. This lack of execution causes shame, guilt, and anxiety.

This…is exactly what trying to put together a video on Sundays feels like to me. Even though I have this “deadline” (which should help), I don’t have that urgency during the week and therefore I’m not recording things to then be able to put together a coherent video; or really ANY video. I want to shoot more. I want to talk about things as they happen, but I don’t. And then I feel bad about it. This is something that I know I need to work on so I’m trying to put some systems into place to help.

I don’t think my work week helped with this at all this week. I had several different “emergencies” to deal with, including early calls, longer days, and some anxiety about if what I was doing was the correct way or not. When my brain is constantly reacting all day to these things, there’s not much left for me to be creative.

Instead, the other part of my brain was occupied by ultimate. And this was a packed week. I had my normal indoor on Monday which is usually more of a calming thing. Playing with people I’ve played with for forever and just having some fun. But this week was also the start of our indoor leagues, one of which started on Monday. Our indoor leagues are late evening leagues with games starting at 9:30 or later which means by the time you get home you’re not only tired from the day, you’re also tired from playing…but also wired from playing.

Back to Monday. This is our draft league. So people get drafted by captains and play with them for 4 weeks and then we shuffle teams again and play another 4 weeks. It’s super fun to play with different people, many of which I was just meeting, but that is a whole new kind of anxiety and mental load to add onto my already full cup.

By the time Thursday rolled around I had already had several high stress days of work, I had Teo who still has some sleeping issues at my house, and a meeting scheduled for 6am on Friday. I was drained and burnt out. I didn’t end up going to my game, opting to stay home and get some rest for my early morning. Sad thing was, that meeting ended up being cancelled. I had set my alarm, woke up, and saw a message saying that it was cancelled and couldn’t really get back to sleep. That sucked. I stuck through my day and ducked out a little early to give myself some much needed wind down time.

Now I’ve finally made it to the weekend which…was still packed with ultimate things. The annual Bandana tournament was Saturday night and I had a great time playing, but it was kind of the same thing as leagues: I played a bunch, got exhausted, and then had trouble falling asleep after midnight. The good news is this was more of a one-off and I’m hoping that the league nights get a little bit easier as the season progresses. Time will tell.

Today is Sunday. The day of rest. But also, the day I had a budget meeting for GRADA. It only took…3 hours. But I got fed and talked to a bunch of great people about our upcoming year and how we are working to make our leagues and events better for our community. It’s a nice end cap to the week.

I’m working on getting some systems in place to get videos to be a more regular thing. Hopefully I can get them to stick.

Back in Motion

Jan 25, 2026
Blog
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I’m documenting my transition period, week by week. Sometimes video, sometimes writing, but every Sunday there’s something new.

This week: getting back in motion. Rough couple weeks with work, a bad back spasm, and a vasectomy keeping me down. Feeling better now. My No Kings Day doc got into a Seattle festival, my mom had her first chemo treatment, and I’m trying to stay positive.

I’m still figuring out what these videos should be, so let me know in the comments if there’s something you want me to talk about.

So Tired. So…very tired.

Jan 11, 2026
Blog, Life
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I don’t have much to say this week (shocking, I know). But not because nothing happened, more so I’m just beat. I had a ton of meetings both for work and outside of work. Had a bunch of board stuff, both for GRADA and for Roc Docs. I even shot an interview for my ultimate documentary.

So yeah, I had a lot going on and now…I’m tired. But I guess that’s why I’m still here writing this. I may be exhausted, but I’m trying to keep up with documenting my life and sometimes that means doing so regardless of what’s going on.

See you at the next one.

Back to Normal?

Jan 04, 2026
Blog, Family, Life
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First full week back after the holidays. Back to work, back to routine, back to trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life.

Work was fine. Still adjusting, still feeling like I’m playing catch-up. I don’t need to say the “i” word again. I feel like I’ve said it enough this last month (it’s still there). But I’m showing up, doing the work, trying to learn. That’s about all I can do right now.

Wednesday was New Year’s Eve. I could’ve stayed home, but some friends were doing a low-key, game night thing. The weather was shit: snow, ice, terrible driving conditions, but I went anyway. Drove through it, showed up, hung out with people. It was nice to spend some time with people and not think about all the other crap going on.

I posted something on Facebook a few days ago about how 2025 has been a lot. About the tailspin in September, stopping drinking, trying to be better at all the things I feel like I’m failing at. I wasn’t really expecting much from it, just needed to get it out there. But a bunch of people reached out. Messages, comments, people checking in.

Here’s the weird thing: it helped. I still feel a bit lonely but it’s nice knowing people are there. That people care and want me to succeed. Do I still feel like I’m failing? Of course. But this was a nice boost for me to actually do something about it. My job has an employee assistance program that includes counseling. So I got the ball rolling; I don’t know what’s going to come from it, but it feels like the right move. I’ve been trying to work through all this stuff: the separation, the job change, the sobriety, being a better person. And I’m realizing that maybe I need some real help to do it.

It’s not like flipping a switch where suddenly everything’s better. But it’s a step. Another thing I’m showing up for, even when I don’t feel ready or confident about it.

The documentary stuff is still moving forward. Working on grant applications, editing sample footage. Ultimate is still happening. The weekly posts are still happening. Life keeps going whether I feel ready for it or not.

Today I’m taking some time in the kitchen. Pickling some vegetables, brining salmon, making spreadable tofu, and frying up spicy cabbage pancakes. It’s one of those things that helps me work through stuff. Being creative with food, experimenting, making something with my hands. It’s a good reminder that not everything has to be about solving problems or fixing things. Sometimes you just make savory pancakes.

See you next week.

Holiday Storms

Dec 28, 2025
Blog, Family, Life
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I drove out to my parents’ place this week for Christmas, five hours from home with all the usual holiday logistics spinning in my head. Coordinating schedules, making sure everyone could be in the same place at the same time, the weight of trying to make it all work. It’s exhausting before you even arrive.

Christmas Eve, I tried to let that go. Just be there. Sit with my family, be present instead of managing everything. It’s harder than it sounds, but I needed it.

Christmas Day I drove to drop off Luka and Teo. That particular drive, that handoff: it never gets easier. You do it because you have to, but it definitely sits heavy.

Then a storm hit. What was supposed to be a few inches turned into nearly a foot of snow, and suddenly my dad and I were out stacking firewood he’d been meaning to get to. Thirty-plus years he’s been heating that house with wood. Thirty-plus years of this same rhythm: split it, store it, stack it, burn it. Winter after winter.

There’s something steadying about that kind of work. Physical, simple, necessary. After all the emotional logistics of the holiday, it was exactly what I needed. Just move wood; get it done. No complicated feelings, just the task in front of you.

I grabbed some footage while we worked, talked to my dad, and put together this short piece about it:

Sometimes the simplest things are what ground you when everything else feels like too much.