Rui Da Costa

Distraction or Direction?

I know I’ve been pretty silent for the last couple of weeks. Honestly, I’ve been going through some shit. Nothing I’m ready to unpack in detail right now, but enough that I’ve been trying to keep myself busy so I don’t have to sit with it too long. Weight, mental health, emotions: all of it has been hitting just a little more than usual. When that happens I usually end up either wallowing or distracting myself. This time it’s been distractions, but it’s felt very…productive.

In the last two weeks I shot four interviews for my documentary, got footage at a local women’s tournament, and went to a local film festival and exchanged info with a bunch of the filmmakers. I’ve also been working on some rebranding and a roadmap for RocDocs, plus a partnership agreement with another local organization.

All of this has made me really think about what I’m doing. For this documentary, for these different communities that I’m part of, and for myself. In all of this busyness and distraction I make for myself, I keep spending more and more time trying to make these things better, not just for me but for everyone else associated. I’m starting to think that might be telling me something. Not necessarily that I’ve figured things out, but maybe this is the direction I’m supposed to be heading. Maybe this is the direction I WANT to be heading.

So yeah, I’m finding myself actually hopeful. Hopeful that I can actually pull off this documentary, that I can help build up the communities that I care so much about, for various other things in my life, and hopeful that I can actually find happiness.

Full Stop.

So this week was a little nuts. I went to my first film festival and I had my own short documentary in it. The festival…was in Seattle which meant flying out there and it’s been a while since I did that so I was nervous before I even got to the airport.

It wasn’t just the flying; that was part of it. With the general state of the world, air travel, and the fact that I was heading to screen my first ever short film, my stomach already had some knots.

The first leg to Chicago was ok. By the time I got on the Seattle flight I was ready for smooth sailing and instead got turbulence and a hail storm on approach. When I finally landed, I wasn’t thinking about the festival or the film. I was just thinking, “I’m exhausted but the first part is done.”

That became kind of a theme for the weekend.
I’ve talked about imposter syndrome before but I don’t think I was fully prepared for what it would feel like to walk into a film festival with my own work. Here I am, surrounded by filmmakers who have done this, who know how this works, who belong here. I kept waiting for someone to figure out that I somehow didn’t belong.

Opening night helped a little. They talked about the history of the festival, mentioned that they’d culled 450 submissions down to 60 films. My little short was one of them and that was a nice little boost. Another bit of anxiety lifted, another part done.

Then they played a trailer featuring clips from this year’s selections and I saw my footage in there. Out of 60 films there was my audio, my images; part of something more than just itself. I didn’t think that would do anything, but it definitely gave me another boost.

But I was still nervous about the screening. Still nervous about the Q&A. What would people think of it? How badly would I get picked apart? Am I even qualified to answer questions about a film I made mostly by figuring it out as I went?

In the first 2 days, I met a bunch of different film makers and the non-profit staff. The director of the festival, Sam, was from Rochester and we’d crossed paths a few times earlier. Talking about the area, where he grew up and the similarities to Seattle. Another bit of anxiety gone. By the time I sat down for the Q&A I felt like I was at least talking to someone I knew a little. That mattered more than I expected it to.

The screening went well, but during the Q&A I referred to myself as an amateur. First film, still learning, you know how it is. A woman in the audience stopped me and said I should just call myself a filmmaker. Full stop. This wasn’t amateur. I’ve been thinking about that ever since. She’s right. I think part of me just needed a stranger to say it out loud before I could actually believe it.

I’m leaving Seattle, grateful and thankful for the festival, my hosts (thank you Erin and Dennys!)and feeling something I didn’t expect: this is something I can actually do. Not someday, not once I get better or more experienced or more confident. Now. I’m doing it now.

First festival down. On to the next one.

The Real Work Begins

I know, I know. Another blog post instead of a video this week. I’m definitely in an off streak for that, but I’m ok with it. I’m trying to be as honest as I can with this blog and the videos that I shoot. I also know that I will likely never be 100% honest here; not out of malice or ill will, but out of my own sense of anxiety, and fear of disappointing people.

I had my first session with a new therapist this week and this was one of the things we talked about as part of the “intake” process. He was going over his policies and what his overarching philosophy is for therapy and one of the things he brought up was about honesty; that even though there are people we love, care about, and tell “everything” to, there are plenty of cases where we aren’t fully honest.

I know that I tell all of you lots of different things about my life, probably more than you’d expect, but I don’t tell you everything. I tell you enough to maintain whatever image of me you might have. I think the reason I’m saying all this is to frame that image and temper your expectations of what I talk about here. I’m still going to talk about things, there just might be gaps that are just too personal to put out there.

This week…stuff happened. Some good, some less so. I feel like the more important thing was that I’m feeling a little more hopeful about my life and happy to be in therapy sorting things out. I know there is a lot of work for me to do, but I’ve started that process and that’s what matters.

P.S. In the months to come, I plan on taking some of the learnings I get from therapy and talking about them. I think that will help me build some kind of accountability with the work I should be doing on myself.