All I needed to do was just get through the week. I was going to be driving down Friday or Saturday to my parents’ place, so I just had to get through work and a few other things. Easier said than done.
Early in the week my mom was in a lot of pain. Her surgery wasn’t until Thursday and she had been feeling ok last week, but things change. Suddenly I had a low hum of anxiety running underneath everything: should I leave earlier? Is she okay? Is this going to affect her surgery?
I also had other things on my mind. Teo had his musical this week, Lion King Kids, and I really didn’t want to miss that, so I stayed. I watched him perform and it was super cute and I’m glad I was there. But that anxiety was waiting for me when I got home. It was there while I worked, and cleaned up around the house, and slept (or…tried to sleep).
Finally, Friday after work I got in the car. Five hours. Rain the whole way, dark most of it. Just me and whatever was going through my head. I tried to occupy my mind with an audiobook and music but driving for that long alone, thoughts are bound to come out. I wasn’t dreading it exactly, I just knew I was driving toward something hard and uncertain.
Yesterday I was at the hospital…the whole day. We were there from ten in the morning until around six and my mom had a good day. My dad and I took a couple of walks when she needed to rest and I was letting him vent. He’s having a tough time and needs to let things out sometimes.
Again, things were pretty good…and then right as we were leaving, my mom ate some soup and got nauseous. She’s better now but it was definitely deflating that we left on that note, and there wasn’t anything we could do for her. It felt like a microcosm of my week: a moment of relief and then a new thing to worry about.
I’m going to be down here for most of the week and then driving to Virginia Thursday. I’m just planning on being present with my family while I’m here and taking things as they come.
I know, I know. Another blog post instead of a video this week. I’m definitely in an off streak for that, but I’m ok with it. I’m trying to be as honest as I can with this blog and the videos that I shoot. I also know that I will likely never be 100% honest here; not out of malice or ill will, but out of my own sense of anxiety, and fear of disappointing people.
I had my first session with a new therapist this week and this was one of the things we talked about as part of the “intake” process. He was going over his policies and what his overarching philosophy is for therapy and one of the things he brought up was about honesty; that even though there are people we love, care about, and tell “everything” to, there are plenty of cases where we aren’t fully honest.
I know that I tell all of you lots of different things about my life, probably more than you’d expect, but I don’t tell you everything. I tell you enough to maintain whatever image of me you might have. I think the reason I’m saying all this is to frame that image and temper your expectations of what I talk about here. I’m still going to talk about things, there just might be gaps that are just too personal to put out there.
This week…stuff happened. Some good, some less so. I feel like the more important thing was that I’m feeling a little more hopeful about my life and happy to be in therapy sorting things out. I know there is a lot of work for me to do, but I’ve started that process and that’s what matters.
P.S. In the months to come, I plan on taking some of the learnings I get from therapy and talking about them. I think that will help me build some kind of accountability with the work I should be doing on myself.
It’s funny. I’m sitting here, Sunday morning (really almost afternoon), eating some high-protein cereal with Greek yogurt wondering why I’m not shooting a video. There is so much to unpack just in that one sentence, but I’ll give it a shot.
A couple of days ago I was mapping out what my video was going to be this week. Something about how the week started off a little rough and then I got some good news and things kind of bounced back. How I kind of rode on that high for a while and it felt good. I got a whole bunch done and I knew I was going to have a pretty good Saturday and that would be it. That would be my video. But my brain has different ideas of what I want to do and this is what you get. A blog instead of a video because I can’t seem to get over a mental block for a video, but writing is easier to do.
Monday was a normal day. I fell into work and stayed there all day, solving problems, fixing bugs, writing code; the usual. I knew that we were going to have a lot of people for Indoorables and I was hoping to go see a screening of the Oscar Live Action shorts at The Little so I skipped indoor for that. With the exception of one of the entries, I thought they were all really well done. The last short of the screening was particularly hilarious so it ended on a good note.
Even though I hadn’t gone to Indoorables, I still had a game for my draft league…at 10pm. Those late games are always rough but there was at least one good thing: I finally got a win for the season. We’re in the 6th week of this league, the first four weeks my team lost (some by just 1 point), and the last week my team got a tie, which really shouldn’t have happened but it did. And so, Monday night felt good, even if it was super late, I got my first win of the season and went home feeling pretty good about myself.
Tuesday morning comes and I am NOT feeling good. I’m getting chills and then sweating and my head is killing me; I’m not quite sure what’s happening but I try to muscle my way through work. By the time I’m supposed to have Teo, I feel like utter garbage. When I’m feeling like that I generally don’t have Teo come over so he doesn’t get sick and so when I do see him I can give him 100% of my attention and energy. Saying that makes me feel like a crappy dad but I’d rather not make him sick and also make it harder for me to take care of him and myself.
So yeah, I didn’t end up having Teo on Tuesday but I did talk to my sister, Tina, for a bit on the phone just about…all the different things going on right now. We had a good talk and I went to bed early, hoping that Wednesday would come with some better feelings and man did it deliver. I woke up feeling better. Not great, but better. I opened up my email and there was a message from the Genesee Valley Council on the Arts. My grant application for the ultimate documentary I’m working on (Spirit vs Score) was approved! It’s not a ton of money, but it definitely was a very validating moment; a committee saw the value in what I’m doing and wanted to help.
This news fueled me for the rest of the week. Work that day went quick. I started organizing bits of my life into tasks that I could manage to hopefully help with my ADHD. There was a renewed interest to eat a bit healthier and actually plan that out a bit more (remember when I mentioned Greek yogurt and cereal). I felt like I was floating on a cloud and that I was not only getting a lot done, but I was feeling a whole lot better. Not just from feeling sick the day before, but really from a life-outlook perspective. I stayed positive through the rest of the week. Went for walks when the weather was ok. I was shooting a bunch of video when I was out. I did some more planning for the documentary; all from this momentum.
Friday night came and even though I wasn’t really interested in going out, I still enjoyed myself staying in. I did a couple of things around the house, watched some tv, and then watched the documentary Come See Me In the Good Light. This movie wrecked me. Not necessarily in a bad way; it was super emotional and I gave myself permission to feel all of those feelings while watching it. It gave me a bit more perspective for what my mom is going through right now and also made me think about a lot of things that I know I need to work on myself.
Saturday, I slept in a bit, eventually got up and went out for a walk. I took a couple of my cameras out in case I got any ideas for shooting and just went out for about an hour and a half. I knew I wanted to get some movement in and it was a decent day outside so I thought I could get some b-roll that I’d use for the video that I was OBVIOUSLY going to put out today. Got back to the house, relaxed for a little bit and then headed out to watch a documentary about the Rochester subway. I thoroughly enjoyed this and the more I watch documentaries the more ideas I get for my own; things I want to do or specific technical stuff I want to take note of.
I finished up my Saturday with a “Books n’ Things” club with some of my friends. Basically, we treated it like a book club but not necessarily talking about any one specific book, more just what we’re reading/watching/listening to and how all of those things intertwine. My buddy also made pizza from scratch so that was a nice extra little thing. I went home, watched SNL and then passed out.
And now, here we are; at the end of this long post that probably should have been a video. When I first sat down thinking that I hadn’t really done much this week, I was pleasantly surprised. I realized that sometimes my brain likes to trick me. That my usual go-to is self-deprecation. Telling myself that I didn’t do anything or that I didn’t do anything of consequence. And now as I’m looking back at the week I know that I did and I need to start thinking better of myself.
This week was a lot. Lots of ultimate. Lots of people, both new and old. Sledding with Teo, designing jerseys, multiple mixers, and a hat tournament. Still working through some task paralysis but taking everything one week at a time.
