Rui Da Costa

Full Stop.

So this week was a little nuts. I went to my first film festival and I had my own short documentary in it. The festival…was in Seattle which meant flying out there and it’s been a while since I did that so I was nervous before I even got to the airport.

It wasn’t just the flying; that was part of it. With the general state of the world, air travel, and the fact that I was heading to screen my first ever short film, my stomach already had some knots.

The first leg to Chicago was ok. By the time I got on the Seattle flight I was ready for smooth sailing and instead got turbulence and a hail storm on approach. When I finally landed, I wasn’t thinking about the festival or the film. I was just thinking, “I’m exhausted but the first part is done.”

That became kind of a theme for the weekend.
I’ve talked about imposter syndrome before but I don’t think I was fully prepared for what it would feel like to walk into a film festival with my own work. Here I am, surrounded by filmmakers who have done this, who know how this works, who belong here. I kept waiting for someone to figure out that I somehow didn’t belong.

Opening night helped a little. They talked about the history of the festival, mentioned that they’d culled 450 submissions down to 60 films. My little short was one of them and that was a nice little boost. Another bit of anxiety lifted, another part done.

Then they played a trailer featuring clips from this year’s selections and I saw my footage in there. Out of 60 films there was my audio, my images; part of something more than just itself. I didn’t think that would do anything, but it definitely gave me another boost.

But I was still nervous about the screening. Still nervous about the Q&A. What would people think of it? How badly would I get picked apart? Am I even qualified to answer questions about a film I made mostly by figuring it out as I went?

In the first 2 days, I met a bunch of different film makers and the non-profit staff. The director of the festival, Sam, was from Rochester and we’d crossed paths a few times earlier. Talking about the area, where he grew up and the similarities to Seattle. Another bit of anxiety gone. By the time I sat down for the Q&A I felt like I was at least talking to someone I knew a little. That mattered more than I expected it to.

The screening went well, but during the Q&A I referred to myself as an amateur. First film, still learning, you know how it is. A woman in the audience stopped me and said I should just call myself a filmmaker. Full stop. This wasn’t amateur. I’ve been thinking about that ever since. She’s right. I think part of me just needed a stranger to say it out loud before I could actually believe it.

I’m leaving Seattle, grateful and thankful for the festival, my hosts (thank you Erin and Dennys!)and feeling something I didn’t expect: this is something I can actually do. Not someday, not once I get better or more experienced or more confident. Now. I’m doing it now.

First festival down. On to the next one.