Rui Da Costa

Showing Up

I’ve been staring at job listings all week. Scrolling through pages of “Senior Developer” and “Software Engineer” positions, trying to figure out where I fit. The problem is I don’t really feel like I fit anywhere. I look at the requirements and I can check most of the boxes, but there’s this voice in my head saying I’m just faking it. Like, I’ve been stagnant for so long that I didn’t really progress and now I don’t actually know what I’m doing.

This isn’t limited to just the job search either. The documentary stuff I’m trying to put together has that same feeling creeping in. I know that it’s something very new to me but I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m either figuring it out as I go and hoping it works, or I’m so unfocused that I just can’t seem to follow through with any one particular idea (I literally have 3 floating around right now).

One thing that has been constant is ultimate. And this past weekend was one of my favorite tournaments: Danse Macabre. Before you start, no, this isn’t about medieval art; it’s a Halloween-themed frisbee tournament that RIT hosts every October. A collection of college, alum, and other teams get together, wear costumes, and play. It’s usually a big highlight and this year was no exception. I got to throw with friends, eat some hotdogs (our team was grilling), and just let off some steam. Ultimate is still just easy; I don’t have to think about all the things crumbling down when I’m playing.

When I’m not playing, I’m also on the board for my local ultimate organization (GRADA). I had to tell one of the sub-committees that I’m on that I need to step away. I’ve been part of this group for years, and even though I know stepping back is the right move, it feels like I’m letting them down. Like I’m giving up or not being there when they need me, but I know that I need to focus on other parts of my life.

I’m trying to make an effort to see my kids more than I currently do. On Monday I made my way out to Buffalo to see Luka. I dropped off some stuff, we grabbed some food, and we talked about school and how they’re dealing with their own focus issues. It’s weird how much of myself I see in them. I ended up talking about some of the stuff I’m going through too and it was really nice to just be present with them for a bit.

I know I just said I want to see my kids more often, but sometimes shit happens. Like yesterday, I was supposed to see Teo, but I was sick and had to cancel. I was really looking forward to working on some lego projects with him, and instead I was stuck feeling like garbage. Even though canceling was the right call for his health, it still felt like I was letting him down.

That feeling of letting people down, of not being enough, thinking I’m a fraud…that seems to be eating away at me. I have to tell myself that everyone feels this way sometimes. That figuring things out is part of the process, but it’s hard to believe that when you feel like you’re drowning.

Still, I showed up this week. I stepped back to make more time for myself. I haven’t had a drink in almost a month. Even when it was hard. Even when I really wanted to. Next week is another chance to do better; to be better. That’s all I’ve got right now, and hopefully that’s enough.