The Last 12 Months
I know it’s been a while since I posted anything. At first it was just me being exhausted on Sundays from playing ultimate or shooting videos or just needing a mental break, and then like a lot of things…I forgot and it stayed out of my mind. I’m not saying that I’m going to be regularly posting again, but I at least thought to do this now and we’ll see how it goes.
What I really wanted to talk about…was the last 12 months. My life has been crazy. I have had some great moments this year and some terrible ones. Probably the most rollercoaster of a year I’ve had in a long time. I’ve gone from being happy at my job, to losing my job, to getting a new one. I started shooting more videos, I got into a film festival, I’m working on a longer documentary, and I still feel like I don’t know much about making films. My mom got really sick, up and down with treatment, and currently in a good spot. I went to nationals for ultimate and actually won a game! It has seriously been a wild year. I’ve lost a lot, I’ve been lonely, I’ve gone to dark places; but I also feel like I’m finally starting to figure out who the fuck I am and what makes me happy. And I know that the target is always moving. Not necessarily always further away but it just…moves. Sometimes the same thing you’ve been doing doesn’t hit where it did before.
I’m sorry for rambling. I’ve just been thinking about my life a lot the last couple of days. Last night while I was trying to get Teo to sleep he was talking about wanting something really badly. And how he gets jealous that other people he knows have that thing and he gets upset. I told him…me too. I know exactly how he feels to want something and not be able to have it. It’s too expensive. It’s temporary. It’s what you want but not what you need. It’s not the right fit. And it sucks. I told him that he can think about the things he does have. The things he can do. The things that make him happy. Focusing on all the jealousy, the bad, the unattainable just makes you more frustrated, sad, lonely; but focusing on the things that make you happy, just make you happy. I need to take my own fucking advice. Will I get frustrated? Of course! Jealous? Lonely? Sad? Yep! But I can focus on the good things and maybe finally get some semblance of peace.
Thanks for listening. Reading? Just…thanks. If you’re reading this, it means we’ve been in each other’s orbit at some point in our lives and you’ve cumulatively nudged me to where I am now so don’t be a stranger.
Discuss