Out of My Control
This was supposed to be a video week, but I’m not really feeling it. Between being sick, some heavier stuff going on, and just generally feeling kind of lonely and depressed, sitting in front of a camera wasn’t happening. So here’s another blog post.
Last weekend was rough. I was sick from Saturday through Monday and still recovering Tuesday. It kind of threw off my rhythm for the week. I didn’t have Teo, I didn’t go anywhere, I just laid around and rested. It sucked. I was sweating, I had no energy, and worst of all I couldn’t really do anything about it. I had to just… wait and see when I’d feel better.
I think that’s what I hate about being sick: not being able to plan for it. Not having that control. And I think that was probably the theme for this week: control. Or I guess… lack thereof.
On top of me being sick, I’m also going through some bigger family health stuff. It’s not exactly light so I won’t really get into it, but regardless, that kind of splintered its way into all the other crap I have going on.
I’m working on a grant application for this ultimate documentary, and it’s something I’ve never done before. I need to show that I can pull off what I say I can and stick to a certain budget, but I’m still new to this. I’m still trying to figure out how to plan things. What questions to ask in interviews, how to frame shots, what story I’m trying to tell. I’m learning as I go, which is fine for personal stuff but feels different when I’m asking for money.
For this application, I wanted to cut together one of the interviews I already have and guess what: I can’t control what I’ve already shot. The best I can do is make the footage I have tell a story. Will it be perfect? Probably not. But I will at least try to make it work.
Speaking of trying… I had a very difficult time this week finishing up a gift for a white elephant party. I had this grand idea of customizing Lego minifigures; basically making them look like 7 players of an ultimate team. I had all the pieces themselves but the tricky part was making the jerseys.
I got sticker paper and printed the designs out with the intention of cutting them with a machine. A friend of mine has a Cricut and I asked if she would be willing to help me with this and she agreed. In retrospect, I would have told her to steer clear if I knew what the next 2 days would be like.
Lots of test prints and reprints and cutting tests and more testing and aligning and failing. So… so much failing. We were both frustrated with how the printer software wasn’t doing what we expected and just kept trying. We eventually got it to cut close enough for us to stop caring. That and it was just a couple hours before the party.
The party itself was good though. Got out of the house, saw friends, and there were actually a lot of other handmade and well thought out gifts. It felt good to be around people (and the Legos were well-received too).
So yeah. That was my week.
I think what hit me the most this week was how little control I actually have over most things. I can’t control when I get sick. I can’t control what footage I’ve already shot. I can’t even fully control a Cricut machine, apparently.
But I can control how I respond. I can edit with what I have. I can show up for the white elephant party with imperfect Lego minifigures. I can write this blog post instead of forcing a video when I’m not feeling it.
And that’s life. It feels like most weeks are just about maintaining the status quo. Making progress? These days that seems like the exception, not the rule. This week…was a getting-through-it week. And that’s fine by me.
If you’re going through your own messy week, drop a comment. We’re all figuring this out as we go.