I’m documenting my transition period, week by week. Sometimes video, sometimes writing, but every Sunday there’s something new.
This week: getting back in motion. Rough couple weeks with work, a bad back spasm, and a vasectomy keeping me down. Feeling better now. My No Kings Day doc got into a Seattle festival, my mom had her first chemo treatment, and I’m trying to stay positive.
I’m still figuring out what these videos should be, so let me know in the comments if there’s something you want me to talk about.
I don’t have much to say this week (shocking, I know). But not because nothing happened, more so I’m just beat. I had a ton of meetings both for work and outside of work. Had a bunch of board stuff, both for GRADA and for Roc Docs. I even shot an interview for my ultimate documentary.
So yeah, I had a lot going on and now…I’m tired. But I guess that’s why I’m still here writing this. I may be exhausted, but I’m trying to keep up with documenting my life and sometimes that means doing so regardless of what’s going on.
First full week back after the holidays. Back to work, back to routine, back to trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life.
Work was fine. Still adjusting, still feeling like I’m playing catch-up. I don’t need to say the “i” word again. I feel like I’ve said it enough this last month (it’s still there). But I’m showing up, doing the work, trying to learn. That’s about all I can do right now.
Wednesday was New Year’s Eve. I could’ve stayed home, but some friends were doing a low-key, game night thing. The weather was shit: snow, ice, terrible driving conditions, but I went anyway. Drove through it, showed up, hung out with people. It was nice to spend some time with people and not think about all the other crap going on.
I posted something on Facebook a few days ago about how 2025 has been a lot. About the tailspin in September, stopping drinking, trying to be better at all the things I feel like I’m failing at. I wasn’t really expecting much from it, just needed to get it out there. But a bunch of people reached out. Messages, comments, people checking in.
Here’s the weird thing: it helped. I still feel a bit lonely but it’s nice knowing people are there. That people care and want me to succeed. Do I still feel like I’m failing? Of course. But this was a nice boost for me to actually do something about it. My job has an employee assistance program that includes counseling. So I got the ball rolling; I don’t know what’s going to come from it, but it feels like the right move. I’ve been trying to work through all this stuff: the separation, the job change, the sobriety, being a better person. And I’m realizing that maybe I need some real help to do it.
It’s not like flipping a switch where suddenly everything’s better. But it’s a step. Another thing I’m showing up for, even when I don’t feel ready or confident about it.
The documentary stuff is still moving forward. Working on grant applications, editing sample footage. Ultimate is still happening. The weekly posts are still happening. Life keeps going whether I feel ready for it or not.
Today I’m taking some time in the kitchen. Pickling some vegetables, brining salmon, making spreadable tofu, and frying up spicy cabbage pancakes. It’s one of those things that helps me work through stuff. Being creative with food, experimenting, making something with my hands. It’s a good reminder that not everything has to be about solving problems or fixing things. Sometimes you just make savory pancakes.
I drove out to my parents’ place this week for Christmas, five hours from home with all the usual holiday logistics spinning in my head. Coordinating schedules, making sure everyone could be in the same place at the same time, the weight of trying to make it all work. It’s exhausting before you even arrive.
Christmas Eve, I tried to let that go. Just be there. Sit with my family, be present instead of managing everything. It’s harder than it sounds, but I needed it.
Christmas Day I drove to drop off Luka and Teo. That particular drive, that handoff: it never gets easier. You do it because you have to, but it definitely sits heavy.
Then a storm hit. What was supposed to be a few inches turned into nearly a foot of snow, and suddenly my dad and I were out stacking firewood he’d been meaning to get to. Thirty-plus years he’s been heating that house with wood. Thirty-plus years of this same rhythm: split it, store it, stack it, burn it. Winter after winter.
There’s something steadying about that kind of work. Physical, simple, necessary. After all the emotional logistics of the holiday, it was exactly what I needed. Just move wood; get it done. No complicated feelings, just the task in front of you.
I grabbed some footage while we worked, talked to my dad, and put together this short piece about it:
Sometimes the simplest things are what ground you when everything else feels like too much.
This was supposed to be a video week, but I’m not really feeling it. Between being sick, some heavier stuff going on, and just generally feeling kind of lonely and depressed, sitting in front of a camera wasn’t happening. So here’s another blog post.
Last weekend was rough. I was sick from Saturday through Monday and still recovering Tuesday. It kind of threw off my rhythm for the week. I didn’t have Teo, I didn’t go anywhere, I just laid around and rested. It sucked. I was sweating, I had no energy, and worst of all I couldn’t really do anything about it. I had to just… wait and see when I’d feel better.
I think that’s what I hate about being sick: not being able to plan for it. Not having that control. And I think that was probably the theme for this week: control. Or I guess… lack thereof.
On top of me being sick, I’m also going through some bigger family health stuff. It’s not exactly light so I won’t really get into it, but regardless, that kind of splintered its way into all the other crap I have going on.
I’m working on a grant application for this ultimate documentary, and it’s something I’ve never done before. I need to show that I can pull off what I say I can and stick to a certain budget, but I’m still new to this. I’m still trying to figure out how to plan things. What questions to ask in interviews, how to frame shots, what story I’m trying to tell. I’m learning as I go, which is fine for personal stuff but feels different when I’m asking for money.
For this application, I wanted to cut together one of the interviews I already have and guess what: I can’t control what I’ve already shot. The best I can do is make the footage I have tell a story. Will it be perfect? Probably not. But I will at least try to make it work.
Speaking of trying… I had a very difficult time this week finishing up a gift for a white elephant party. I had this grand idea of customizing Lego minifigures; basically making them look like 7 players of an ultimate team. I had all the pieces themselves but the tricky part was making the jerseys.
I got sticker paper and printed the designs out with the intention of cutting them with a machine. A friend of mine has a Cricut and I asked if she would be willing to help me with this and she agreed. In retrospect, I would have told her to steer clear if I knew what the next 2 days would be like.
Lots of test prints and reprints and cutting tests and more testing and aligning and failing. So… so much failing. We were both frustrated with how the printer software wasn’t doing what we expected and just kept trying. We eventually got it to cut close enough for us to stop caring. That and it was just a couple hours before the party.
The party itself was good though. Got out of the house, saw friends, and there were actually a lot of other handmade and well thought out gifts. It felt good to be around people (and the Legos were well-received too).
So yeah. That was my week.
I think what hit me the most this week was how little control I actually have over most things. I can’t control when I get sick. I can’t control what footage I’ve already shot. I can’t even fully control a Cricut machine, apparently.
But I can control how I respond. I can edit with what I have. I can show up for the white elephant party with imperfect Lego minifigures. I can write this blog post instead of forcing a video when I’m not feeling it.
And that’s life. It feels like most weeks are just about maintaining the status quo. Making progress? These days that seems like the exception, not the rule. This week…was a getting-through-it week. And that’s fine by me.
If you’re going through your own messy week, drop a comment. We’re all figuring this out as we go.
