So yesterday (and today) I spent all day on the couch feeling like garbage. Sore throat, sweats, chills, no energy whatsoever. Honestly, it felt like my body was just done with me.
Two weeks into this job and I’m still very much the new guy. I don’t know too many people and already I’ve jumped between three different projects. Each one throwing me into codebases I don’t know, written by people I’ve never met, solving problems I’m still trying to understand. I talked to my older sister about this and her words definitely echo what I’ve been feeling: imposter syndrome is real.
I think the other thing is…this is all new. It’s not like the last company. Rivet was family. Nine years of knowing how things worked, knowing the people, having that comfort of belonging. This is different. I’m starting over, and starting over at 42 hits different than it would have at 25.
But the week wasn’t all code and imposter syndrome. Tuesday night as per usual was Teo night: Legos, pizza, some TV. He wasn’t going to his school group Wednesday morning so I let him sleep in a bit. Just good, easy time together. Thursday I had a RocDocs advisory board meeting, and Friday I met with the Production Alliance of Greater Rochester, another film group that someone suggested I check out. I definitely enjoy these groups and meeting these people. Gives me a boost trying to think about the film stuff I want to be doing.
Another thing that I started doing this week…applying for a grant for the ultimate frisbee documentary I’m trying to put together. It’s both exciting and terrifying. I’ve never done this before and now I’m dealing with imposter syndrome in stereo: am I good enough at this new job AND do I even deserve grant funding for my film work? Right now, the best I can do is just keep pushing through.
And now we’ve come back to Friday night and Saturday. Whatever hit me, it hit me hard. Complete lack of energy and just feeling shutdown. So I spent the day on the couch. Resting. Recovering. Letting my body do what it needed to do after all the stress of the week.
Maybe that’s part of the adjustment too. Learning to recognize when I’m doing too much, when things are piling up. That or I just got something that’s been going around. Either way, let’s see what this next week brings.
I’m documenting my transition period, week by week. Sometimes video, sometimes writing, but every Wednesday there’s something new.
This week: Protecting creativity, maintaining connections, and preparing for what’s next.
Wednesday after dropping off Teo, I met up with a friend during their lunch to just shoot the shit and relax a bit. It was good to get out of the house for a bit. I also decided I was going to shoot a small video at my park so I had some of my camera stuff with me and went straight there after lunch. I had this idea in my head and I really wanted to give it a try, maybe I’ll try to fit it into the next video I post.
Thursday morning was a little frustrating. I was talking about holiday plans and if you don’t know…having 2 split households and family that live 5+ hours away doesn’t make for easy discussions sometimes. When I get frustrated and need to vent a bit I usually go between 2 different options: do something creative or do something busy. I kind of picked both and made some cookie dough to let my brain reset.
Over the pandemic I got really into cookies; not just basic things, but the science behind it too. After I made a bunch for a friendsgiving last weekend, I had an idea. I’ve got a friend who runs a cocktail bar in the city and we had loosely talked about cookies and baking and this creative outlet. So I asked him if he’d be interested in me making some cookies for him to taste and maybe if he liked them, he could sell them as a dessert at his place. It’s a lofty goal, but I wanted to see if I could make something like that. Something that could actually sell to his patrons. If it works out, great. If not, I still love his place and will continue to go there (especially because he makes mocktails too).
After messing around with cookie dough, I co-worked with a friend for the rest of the afternoon. We took a break and walked their dog around my neighborhood. It was surprisingly gorgeous outside, so we took advantage of it before getting back and finishing up our work.
I’m still on Thursday (I apologize if this is a lot of info, but it was a long day)…that night was a member screening for RocDocs: a work in progress about women who elect to go flat after mastectomies. It was a really productive session and great discussion afterwards. These screenings remind me why I like being involved in documentary work; it’s not just about the films, it’s about the conversations they start and then the ideas that branch from there.
Friday I met up with my bar-owning buddy and we did a taste test. We talked through the cookies and some potential options for how things could work. I felt pretty good about it. Like I said, I don’t know if it’ll turn into anything, but I’m glad I’m exploring it.
I’m realizing that I need to keep doing creative stuff like this. The cookies, RocDocs, filming, this blog. I’m about to start a new job that’s going to be a lot more logical problem-solving and possibly less creativity. I know I need the financial stability of the work, but I also need the creativity stimulation for my mental stability. It’s going to help ground me when things get frustrating, but it’s also going to help expand who I am. I’m trying to be intentional about staying involved with all of it and hopefully I don’t burn myself out.
Speaking about intentionality, I think this also means I need to change my posting schedule. I think it makes more sense to post on Sundays instead of Wednesdays. With the new job starting, trying to coordinate stuff in the middle of the week is going to be tough and I will likely need the weekend to pull stuff together. So this will be the last Wednesday post. Next thing you’ll see from me will be a video in a week and a half, on Sunday. And then Sundays from that point on.
Let’s get back to my week, or really my weekend. Things were pretty mellow. Saturday I did some bug fixes for Ultivids, some historical data processing for GRADA, and a whole bunch of laundry. Sunday I tried a new recipe for dinner and it was delicious. Basically…it was asian-style dumplings, except without folding and pressing all the dumplings. Instead, you make meat patties, press them onto dumpling wrappers, sear them meat side down, flip and finish by frying the dumpling side in the grease from the meat. Super easy and not as much work as folding 2 dozen dumplings.
Monday I went into the Rivet office to help close some accounts and get things ready for me to not be working with them anymore. It was a little weird being on a different floor in that same building, but it’s always good to see people I enjoy working with. After that I went and played indoor. I was so exhausted by the time I got home that even my toes were tired, if that makes sense.
Tuesday I picked up my laptop from the new job and did some basic account setup. Nothing too crazy. When Teo got to the house he wanted to finish the set he’d started last week, but there was a problem: a piece was missing. We looked everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE for this piece. It wasn’t a normal piece so we could just replace it with something from his loose legos. This ended up working out as I was thinking about taking him to an unofficial lego store nearby; this gave us an actual reason to go. This place is pretty cool. They have spare pieces you can buy along with new and used sets. The people there helped us find the part we needed, and we also picked up a small set of one of his favorite characters.
Once we got back I reheated leftovers while he finished his set. Then we ate, played a little bit, and started something new: a video of him building. He wanted it to be like an unboxing video mixed with him building and talking about legos. So I got out some camera equipment, some lights, and we recorded a bunch of stuff that I plan to put together into a single video for him. Who knows, maybe that’s something we can do together going forward (and maybe it can fuel his undying need for more lego sets).
And that’s been my week. A bit of the “calm before the storm.” I don’t know what the next few months are going to look like. The job is going to take up a lot of my energy just trying to get acclimated and I know I’ll need the creative outlets. Not as a luxury, but as an essential. Something that keeps me grounded and keeps me moving forward.
With the new schedule coming, I figured I’d end with a new beginning:
I’m documenting my transition period, week by week. Sometimes video, sometimes writing, but every Sunday there will be something new.
Last week was about staying the course. This week things actually moved forward.
Most of the week was pretty typical: get myself out of bed, eat something, tidy up, get on my computer and code or write or research. Just me trying to get myself into some kind of rhythm instead of laying in bed and wasting away.
Thursday I met up with another videographer buddy of mine. We talked about how things are going and what kinds of things we’re working on. I mentioned a documentary that I’m trying to get going in Chicago and he was pretty excited about it. He’s also got some other film friends out that way who would be interested in the shoot, so that was a nice little boost.
Also had a GRADA board meeting that same day. We’re gearing up for our end of the year party and starting to plan for next year. This is also when we do our board and spirit elections so I had to make sure our voting system was ready. All in all, we had a pretty productive meeting and I’m looking forward to what we’re going to be working on for the next year.
Saturday was my day for doing stuff around the house. I cleaned up, sorted stuff, did laundry; all the normal weekend chores. I did bake more cookies again but these were really just for me. Planning to do a whole lot more baking for some stuff happening this weekend. Gonna be a lot of cookies…
Sunday morning I got up and managed to make it out to our last day of ultimate for the season. It was cold, wet, and a little windy. Not really ideal conditions for ultimate but I was happy to be playing. Not happy to be out in that garbage weather, but happy nonetheless.
After the game I went home, showered, and just vegged out on the couch. I was exhausted and after that hot shower…I didn’t want to do anything but rest.
Monday…was a nice changeup from all the stuff I’ve been dealing with. Monday, I finally got a job offer. I’ve been super stressed about the end of November, my old job ending, and having to figure out all of the financial issues. This was definitely something I appreciated. My stress levels lowered a bunch. Not entirely, but a decent amount.
Now there’s different anxiety: new job anxiety. I’m walking into a place where nobody knows me. Where all the history I have currently just…doesn’t matter. And of course now I’m asking myself: Will I fit with these people? Can I actually do this work? The imposter syndrome is real right now.
Still, I felt pretty good all day Monday. I went to indoor and had a much better time than last week (teams were a bit more balanced). Afterwards, I got cleaned up and met some friends for trivia at a brewery. I’ve been sober for a bit and I’m still figuring out how to be in these spaces without it feeling weird and guess what, it wasn’t. I didn’t spend the whole time in my head about not drinking and the people I was with didn’t seem to care. I guess that’s progress.
Tuesday was Teo day. He had spent a bunch of the day outside playing before he got to the house so we just hung out. Played with his Legos, watched one of his favorite shows (which is also a Lego show), and ate some pot roast and homemade biscuits; comfort food for the cold weather.
All in all, this was a good week. I got the job I needed. I’m getting myself back into a good rhythm. Documentary stuff is still chugging along. Things are actually moving now and I’m feeling a lot more positive about what the future looks like.
I’m still working out what these posts should be. Let me know in the comments if there’s something you want me to talk about, or if you’re going through your own transition and want to share.
I’ve been staring at job listings all week. Scrolling through pages of “Senior Developer” and “Software Engineer” positions, trying to figure out where I fit. The problem is I don’t really feel like I fit anywhere. I look at the requirements and I can check most of the boxes, but there’s this voice in my head saying I’m just faking it. Like, I’ve been stagnant for so long that I didn’t really progress and now I don’t actually know what I’m doing.
This isn’t limited to just the job search either. The documentary stuff I’m trying to put together has that same feeling creeping in. I know that it’s something very new to me but I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m either figuring it out as I go and hoping it works, or I’m so unfocused that I just can’t seem to follow through with any one particular idea (I literally have 3 floating around right now).
One thing that has been constant is ultimate. And this past weekend was one of my favorite tournaments: Danse Macabre. Before you start, no, this isn’t about medieval art; it’s a Halloween-themed frisbee tournament that RIT hosts every October. A collection of college, alum, and other teams get together, wear costumes, and play. It’s usually a big highlight and this year was no exception. I got to throw with friends, eat some hotdogs (our team was grilling), and just let off some steam. Ultimate is still just easy; I don’t have to think about all the things crumbling down when I’m playing.
When I’m not playing, I’m also on the board for my local ultimate organization (GRADA). I had to tell one of the sub-committees that I’m on that I need to step away. I’ve been part of this group for years, and even though I know stepping back is the right move, it feels like I’m letting them down. Like I’m giving up or not being there when they need me, but I know that I need to focus on other parts of my life.
I’m trying to make an effort to see my kids more than I currently do. On Monday I made my way out to Buffalo to see Luka. I dropped off some stuff, we grabbed some food, and we talked about school and how they’re dealing with their own focus issues. It’s weird how much of myself I see in them. I ended up talking about some of the stuff I’m going through too and it was really nice to just be present with them for a bit.
I know I just said I want to see my kids more often, but sometimes shit happens. Like yesterday, I was supposed to see Teo, but I was sick and had to cancel. I was really looking forward to working on some lego projects with him, and instead I was stuck feeling like garbage. Even though canceling was the right call for his health, it still felt like I was letting him down.
That feeling of letting people down, of not being enough, thinking I’m a fraud…that seems to be eating away at me. I have to tell myself that everyone feels this way sometimes. That figuring things out is part of the process, but it’s hard to believe that when you feel like you’re drowning.
Still, I showed up this week. I stepped back to make more time for myself. I haven’t had a drink in almost a month. Even when it was hard. Even when I really wanted to. Next week is another chance to do better; to be better. That’s all I’ve got right now, and hopefully that’s enough.
I’m going to be documenting my current transition period, week by week. Sometimes I’ll share these updates through video, sometimes through writing, but every Wednesday, I’ll have something new.
This is week one of figuring it all out: a job interview, hosting my first screening for Roc Docs, making a POV documentary about ADHD, playing ultimate with my people, and clearing out half my basement.
