Rui Da Costa

Chugging Along

Last week was about staying the course. This week things actually moved forward.

Most of the week was pretty typical: get myself out of bed, eat something, tidy up, get on my computer and code or write or research. Just me trying to get myself into some kind of rhythm instead of laying in bed and wasting away.

Thursday I met up with another videographer buddy of mine. We talked about how things are going and what kinds of things we’re working on. I mentioned a documentary that I’m trying to get going in Chicago and he was pretty excited about it. He’s also got some other film friends out that way who would be interested in the shoot, so that was a nice little boost.

Also had a GRADA board meeting that same day. We’re gearing up for our end of the year party and starting to plan for next year. This is also when we do our board and spirit elections so I had to make sure our voting system was ready. All in all, we had a pretty productive meeting and I’m looking forward to what we’re going to be working on for the next year.

Saturday was my day for doing stuff around the house. I cleaned up, sorted stuff, did laundry; all the normal weekend chores. I did bake more cookies again but these were really just for me. Planning to do a whole lot more baking for some stuff happening this weekend. Gonna be a lot of cookies…

Sunday morning I got up and managed to make it out to our last day of ultimate for the season. It was cold, wet, and a little windy. Not really ideal conditions for ultimate but I was happy to be playing. Not happy to be out in that garbage weather, but happy nonetheless.

After the game I went home, showered, and just vegged out on the couch. I was exhausted and after that hot shower…I didn’t want to do anything but rest.

Monday…was a nice changeup from all the stuff I’ve been dealing with. Monday, I finally got a job offer. I’ve been super stressed about the end of November, my old job ending, and having to figure out all of the financial issues. This was definitely something I appreciated. My stress levels lowered a bunch. Not entirely, but a decent amount.

Now there’s different anxiety: new job anxiety. I’m walking into a place where nobody knows me. Where all the history I have currently just…doesn’t matter. And of course now I’m asking myself: Will I fit with these people? Can I actually do this work? The imposter syndrome is real right now.

Still, I felt pretty good all day Monday. I went to indoor and had a much better time than last week (teams were a bit more balanced). Afterwards, I got cleaned up and met some friends for trivia at a brewery. I’ve been sober for a bit and I’m still figuring out how to be in these spaces without it feeling weird and guess what, it wasn’t. I didn’t spend the whole time in my head about not drinking and the people I was with didn’t seem to care. I guess that’s progress.

Tuesday was Teo day. He had spent a bunch of the day outside playing before he got to the house so we just hung out. Played with his Legos, watched one of his favorite shows (which is also a Lego show), and ate some pot roast and homemade biscuits; comfort food for the cold weather.

All in all, this was a good week. I got the job I needed. I’m getting myself back into a good rhythm. Documentary stuff is still chugging along. Things are actually moving now and I’m feeling a lot more positive about what the future looks like.

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I’m still working out what these posts should be. Let me know in the comments if there’s something you want me to talk about, or if you’re going through your own transition and want to share.

How I’m Moving Forward

I’m going to be documenting my current transition period, week by week. Sometimes I’ll share these updates through video, sometimes through writing, but every Wednesday, I’ll have something new.

This is week one of figuring it all out: a job interview, hosting my first screening for Roc Docs, making a POV documentary about ADHD, playing ultimate with my people, and clearing out half my basement.

Change

I’m 42 years old, standing in my basement surrounded by boxes and bags of trash, and thinking to myself…where the hell am I going from here.

The company I helped start is closing up after 9 years. I’m still managing a separation/divorce. I have one kid in college, another I don’t see enough. I don’t have a love life. I’m trying to land a web development job while also pushing more into documentary film work. And somewhere in all of this… I decided I wanted to clear out my basement.

Yeah, I know how that sounds. My life is falling apart so naturally I’m dealing with it by throwing away old cables and broken furniture. But…it actually helps. There’s something gratifying about sorting through this stuff when everything else is such a mess.

Most of what’s down here is trash. Just years of accumulated crap that I held onto for no real reason. But then there are these little landmines of memory mixed in. Random objects that suddenly hit me with feelings I wasn’t ready for; some good, some bad. Most of them making me stop and actually deal with something before I can decide whether it goes in the keep pile or the trash.

It’s a metaphor, obviously. I’m clearing out my basement and also clearing out my head. Trying to figure out what actually matters and what’s just been taking up space. After everything that’s been happening, I’m having to ask some uncomfortable questions. Who am I now? What actually matters to me? Have I been just going with the flow without really thinking about where that would take me?

I don’t have answers yet. That’s partly why I’m starting this. I need to think through what I’m going through. Write it down and make sense of it as it happens rather than waiting. I’m trying to get things figured out and that might take a while.

The basement clearing is just the first step. Once it’s empty, I’m tearing down some walls and building new ones. I’m going to finish half of it as a studio; a space specifically for my creative work. That won’t happen until spring probably, but the intention is there. I’m not just cleaning up the mess but I’m hoping to build something new.

Right now though, I’m in the in-between. The hard part. Everything’s uncertain, uncomfortable, and pretty depressing, but I’m doing something about it. Even if that something is as simple as filling trash bags.

I don’t know where this goes, but for the first time in a while, I’m okay not knowing. I’m just going to start here and see what happens.